If You Scratch The QR Codes Off Electric CitiBikes To Prevent Others From Riding Them, You Deserve To Ride Into A Woodchipper

This blog is for a very small group of people.

I ride the Citibikes to and from work most days. The subway is sweltering and riddled with violent criminals and defecate. As dangerous as navigating the traffic of Manhattan can be on a bicycle, I'd rather die above ground, getting swept under a street sweeper, so that my family can collect a taxpayer-funded settlement from the city. If some crackhead stabs my kidney with a shiv made from scaffolding pipe on the F train, I'm not sure the MTA is on the hook for a condolence check.

Ever since Citibike rolled out their electric bikes, the ride has become a real treat. The newest generation of e-bikes, the silver ones, are fast and fun. They're tougher to find due to their being in high demand. But when you're lucky enough to mount one, you're in for a treat. Rone and I are newly neighbors and we'll rip home together, flying down the bike path along seventh avenue, weaving past DHL trucks and pedestrians stupid enough to wait for the walk light in the bike lane. Those rides with Rone are often the best part of my day. We've done it once.

But lately, a plague of vandals have discovered a hack that threatens to unravel the joy of commuting on one of these silver steeds. These selfish rogues realized that if they scratch the QR codes and serial numbers out of the bikes, it makes it almost impossible for anyone to access them. Most people access the bikes via the phone app, which can't read a marred code. This allows these fuckheads to effectively "own" a bike, for they memorize the serial number before they ruin it and then input that number manually, whenever they want to ride.

Why would anyone do this? I suppose the easy answer is that it gives them guaranteed access to one of the better bikes. But a more nuanced answer would point to their terrible upbringing. Or their lack of adherence to the social contract. Perhaps it would include a note about their desire to watch the world crumble, their disgusting appearance, their total lack of empathy, and the likelihood that they'll soon graduate to radical terrorism.

For this is how it all starts. Bin Laden grew up wealthy. But soon, he grew to resent his father's business dealings with the Saudi government. Then he was cut off from the family credit card. Next thing you know, he's scratching out ZipCar codes in Afghanistan to ensure that cells of Al-Qaeda can have first pickings. That's just how these people operate.

If you're someone who thinks you deserve your own electric Citibike, and you scratch out the QR code with a chisel in the dead of night, know this: you're a coward. You are worthless. You suck, and we all hate your fucking guts. Because for those of us that believe in this country, believe in our fellow citizens, and want to move the world forward? Finding that the last available e-bike is unavailable due to your selfish vandalism is a major punch in the cock.

Fuck you, scratchers. If I ever see one of you riding "your" bike, I'm going to do absolutely nothing because people are way too litigious these days. But know that you are despised, and I hope you crash.